Dear Kelsey, I’m a squirter…
Head-up Heather was a badass woman like a lot of us…
She could run a schedule with her eyes closed.
Raise children, manage crises, the budget and the birthdays: holding it all together.
But when she touched herself?
t was like checking a pulse.
Clinical. Distant. Just searching for signs of life.
She kept her head up while her body went numb.
Sound familiar?
I’ve met too many high-functioning women who could conquer a boardroom but can’t feel their own skin. In the bedroom… not at all or numb.
Occasionally they try to touch themselves into aliveness, but it feels like patting a mannequin.
Cold. Numb. Almost frightening.
Waste of $250 on a good vibrator, they think.
And then comes the shame spiral:
Maybe I’m broken.
Maybe my libido is gone.
Maybe this is what happens after 40.
No. Not broken. Not defective. Not failed.
This, my darlings, this feeling: is survival.
Myth vs Truth
Myth: Numbness = low libido. Numbness = not sexy. Numbness = my marriage is over.
Truth: Numbness is your nervous system doing its job. It’s science ladies and gents.
(Yes, we have fellas reading this newsletter too - the men who love women like you are curious.)
That meh, even numbness? It’s a brilliance your body developed after years of impossible demands.
Your body shut down sensation so you could keep functioning.
So you could crush deadlines.
So you could keep the family fed and system humming.
Numbness is not weakness.
It’s an intelligent adaptation.
Your body didn’t betray you. It saved you.
Here’s how…(geeks to the front)
What the Research Actually Says
We’re taught to override sensation from the time we’re girls.
Smile even if it feels fake.
Sit still even if you’re squirming.
Push through the fatigue.
“Mind over matter” became the mantra of our entire generation of high-achieving women.
And the cost?
Disconnection.
Neuroscience has a name for it: dorsal vagal shutdown — part of the freeze response in Polyvagal Theory.
Polyvagal theory, developed by Stephen Porges, is a neurophysiological framework explaining how the autonomic nervous system regulates our responses to safety and danger.
When your system is overclocked for too long, it flips the switch from fight-or-flight to freeze. You go cold. You go flat. You stop feeling.
Your body thinks it is not safe, so it puts a choke hold on your desire and it’s just that simple.
Studies show chronic stress and trauma disrupt interoception — your brain’s ability to read your body’s signals.¹
It’s not that you don’t have desire. It’s that the line got cut between your body and your awareness. What you can’t hear... you can’t listen to.
So if you’ve been living like a high-functioning machine, numbness isn’t a flaw, it’s a feature. It’s your nervous system protecting you.
Good news for your g-spot, your partner and your immune system (yes more sex=better immunity)... there is a fix and you can start doing it this very second.
¹ Craig, A.D. (2009). How do you feel—now? The anterior insula and human awareness. Nature Reviews Neuroscience, 10(1).
Resources for you
Somatic Practice: Thawing Numbness
Here’s a practice I give my clients when numbness feels like a wall:
Breathe into your belly. Place one hand low, one high. Slow your breath until your body notices.
Touch with curiosity. Place your palm somewhere on your body — not genitals yet. Maybe your thigh, your chest, your arm.
Ask: What do I feel here, right now? Even if the answer is “nothing.”
Shift your state. Stand up. Shake. Hum. Stretch. Then touch again.
Notice: Did anything shift? Warmer? Colder? Tingling? Even a 1% change is gold.
Numbness isn’t an enemy to fight. It’s a door that opens slowly when you stop banging and start listening.
Want help walking through that door? That’s where I come in.
(Yes, I am getting to the “Dear Kelsey’ about squirting….I know y’all want to know.)
A book to read: “Sexual Pleasure: Reaching New Heights of Sexual Arousal and Intimacy” by Dr. Barbara Keesling, PhD. Why It Stands Out: Focus on Pleasure & Touch: Dr. Keesling centers pleasure—especially the pleasure of touching and being touched—as the emotional and physical heart of erotic intimacy.
A podcast to listen to: This Feminist Survival Project episode offers a clear, intelligent breakdown of Polyvagal Theory’s architecture—ventral vs. dorsal states—with emotional depth and feminist framing.
Tools
Blanket for the squirters out there: The Waterproof Couples Blanket
Work With Me
I’m in the final sprint toward completing my Somatic Sex Coach certification with the Somatica Institute. To graduate, I need another 40 hours of client work before the end of October.
This is your chance to step into a one-on-one session with me — either in person or over Zoom — and experience this work firsthand.
What is Somatic Sex Coaching?
It’s body-based, consent-forward, science-backed, soul-deep coaching. It’s where we practice real intimacy skills, nervous system regulation, erotic expansion, and the art of feeling alive again.
If you’ve been craving more sensation, more sovereignty, more fire — these sessions are for you.
Spots are going to book like lightning because I know a lot of us have been “Head-up Heathers” for a while. If your body just whispered yes as you read this, that’s your invitation.
Dear Kelsey, I’m a squirter. But when I mentioned it to my doctor, she literally had no idea what it even was. How is it possible that a trained physician doesn’t know?
A: First of all, you’re not weird. You’re wonderful. And yes — this happens more often than you’d think.
Medical training has massive blind spots when it comes to women’s sexuality. Many doctors get less than 10 hours of sex ed in their entire degree — and most of that’s about reproduction or dysfunction. Pleasure? Off the syllabus.
As for squirting: research is limited but slowly mounting. A 2014 study in The Journal of Sexual Medicine² confirmed that what we call squirting involves fluid release from the bladder that changes composition during arousal and orgasm. Some women squirt a few drops. Some unleash a waterfall. All of it is normal.
Squirting is not to be confused with female ejaculate which can be released from the Skene’s glans. It contains prostate specific antigen, also found in male ejaculate (nifty).
So what exactly is the liquid expelled when squirting? Biochemical tests show the fluid is essentially heavily diluted urine — with trace PSA, a marker from the Skene’s glands.
So, now you know.
You should also know this, though no peer-reviewed clinical research has been done to measure the attraction measures for either men or women when their partner squirts, anecdotal responses can vary.
I dove deeper and found several editorial-style and blog posts suggesting that some men see squirting as proof of their sexual prowess or ‘legendary status.’ One Medium thread quips that some men feel “magic fingers” status, and other commentary leans into the idea that squirting equals a trophy moment—hyperbolic, yes, but emotionally resonant and widely shared.
So squirt on sister!
AND
Thank you for your question, there’s a lot of readers I’m certain, that are thankful you asked!
For those who aren’t feeling it, a question to consider:
What if numb wasn’t the end of the story, but instead, a reason for a plot twist?
What would it feel like to wake back up again in your body— one breath, one touch at a time?
Click right here and tell me. Your story might be the one another woman needs to hear.
If YOU want to submit a question or share a story of WTF you’d like my thoughts on, we would love to hear it. The form is 100% confidential so you can really let your freak flag fly, if that’s your thing. If not, just a simple “why is dating so hard these days” is very much a barn burner in these parts too.
A quick note before I sign off. I want to thank you all for being here, for reading, for sharing and spreading this newsletter like wildfire.
A special thanks to the fellas. The fact that last week alone I got three messages from men, thanking me for helping them to understand their partners better in different ways... well, I had a little cry of joy about it.
In hunger, heat, and holy rebellion,
Kelsey
Sex. Soul. Sovereignty
I’m Speaking at the Annual Sexological Conference
