(For the daters, the married, and everyone who’s ever waited to be chosen.)

Chapter 1: The Ghost and the Gut Drop

Sunday, 8:12 PM – iPhone notification, “Delivered. Read 8:09 PM.”

“He just disappeared,” she says. “Dinner, deep talk, sex, the whole thing—and then silence. I must have done something wrong.”

I tilt my head. “Or maybe… he’s just at his capacity.”

She frowns. “Capacity?”

“Yeah,” I say. “Not everyone has the nervous system space for real intimacy. Sometimes ghosting isn’t rejection—it’s regulation. People vanish when connection overwhelms their capacity.”

And here’s the science: research in Social Cognitive and Affective Neuroscience shows that emotional rejection activates the same brain regions as physical pain. When someone’s system hits that threshold, avoidance feels safer than engagement.

Try this:

When someone ghosts, instead of spiraling into why wasn’t I enough?, ask:

“What might have felt too intimate, too soon, or too real for their capacity?”
That’s how you start separating your worth from their window of tolerance.

Tuesday, 2:47 PM – Zoom session

“So,” I ask, “tell me why you want to be in a relationship.”

She laughs nervously. “I just… want to be loved?”

“Mmm,” I say. “Now tell me who you are in relationship.”

Silence.

This is where most people stall. They know what they want from love but not what they bring to it.

So I give her my favorite diagnostic trio—the same three questions I ask every client who says they’re having no luck dating:

For each question - if you want to go nuclear insight level - ask ‘why’ after each answer for 5 why’s. BOOM. 

When we answer honestly, patterns start to hum beneath the words. We can no longer un-see what is now known. This is when the magic starts happening.

Watch this: In The Difference Between Healthy and Unhealthy Love, Katie Hood breaks down how real love feels steady, not addictive — and why learning this difference might just change the way you date, stay, and choose yourself. 

Modern Dating Behavior Decoder (PDF): Ghosting, breadcrumbing, hot/cold → what it really means about capacity and emotional regulation.

The Chemistry Trap: How Dopamine, Fantasy, and Emotional Illusion Hijack Modern Love

Attachment Decoder: The Hidden Architecture of How We Connect, Pull Away, and Heal

Thursday, 9:01 AM – “Dear Kelsey” submission

“I keep attracting emotionally unavailable men. Why?”

“Because,” I write back, “you’re fishing in the wrong pond with the wrong lures.”

If your bait is the polished, performative version of you—the archetype you think will be loved—you’ll attract people who fall for the façade, not the soul.

We can only feel love in proportion to how much we (a) know ourselves and (b) show ourselves.

Otherwise, they love the avatar you created.
And that shit? It hollows you out.

Science check: Attachment theory (Bowlby, Ainsworth) teaches that we unconsciously select partners who confirm our early relational wiring. Avoidants find anxious partners; anxious ones find avoidants. It’s not bad luck—it’s familiarity.

Your experiment:
Tonight, write down three ways you present yourself to be “liked.” Then beside each, note what might shift if you led with truth instead of performance.
That’s an act of erotic honesty.

Friday, 11:23 PM – Wine glass reflections

People spend lifetimes trying to be chosen.
They contort, perform, stay small—anything to be picked.

But here’s the truth that blows the whole game open:
You can’t be chosen beyond the level you’ve chosen yourself.

In long-term partnerships, it looks like this: staying by default, not devotion.
In dating, it looks like performing worthiness instead of embodying it.

When we start with self-selection, every “no” becomes sacred data.
It’s not rejection—it’s redirection toward resonance.

Neuroscience agrees: According to research from the University of Buffalo, rejection activates the brain’s reward circuitry when people hold strong self-worth. Self-secure individuals metabolize “no” as feedback, not failure.

Something to try:
Write a love note to your future self and drop it in the mail. When it comes back to you, read it aloud. A shift will happen - always does.
 

Rejection isn’t a verdict; it’s a mirror.

It reflects the edges of another’s capacity and your invitation to expand your own.

Every no clarifies your yes.
Every silence redirects you toward resonance.

Because love isn’t a lottery—it’s a mirror of your self-selection.
The more you choose you, the cleaner the reflection gets.

So when someone disappears, breathe.
That’s not abandonment—it’s alignment.

“Not my rejection—just their regulation.”

And that whisper?
That’s your nervous system remembering who’s in charge now.

And that, my love, is what liberation feels like.

We want to hear from you! What do you like, what do you want more of, what’s your favourite or least favourite part about the Liberation Letters?

Reply to this email or fill out the form below and let us know. If you’re thinking it, someone else probably is too.

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