Don't Settle

Anecdote: The Woman Who Almost Forgot Herself

She was brilliant.
Beautiful.
Had a business, two kids, a dry marriage, and a to-do list that would break a Marine.

When she came to me, she wasn't in crisis.
She just felt numb.
No fire. No hunger. Just “fine.”

Her partner wasn't cruel.
He just didn't see her anymore.
And truthfully? She hadn't looked in the mirror in years either.

We worked together for four months.
She cried a lot. She confessed her fantasies. She admitted she hadn't had an orgasm without faking it in over two years.

Then one day, she walked in glowing.

She didn't blow up her life.
She expanded it.
She reclaimed it.
And now she's dating a man who makes her laugh so hard she snorts rosé—and has sex that makes her weep.

She didn't leave because her life was bad.
She left because she deserved better than good enough.

AND

If the thing you know you need to leave or change…

If the muzzled truth is in another area of your life, you are smart enough to know that this story above…

It’s for you too. Bluntly, the arena does not matter, it’s all the same thing. It’s all regret and it wreaks havoc the same no matter where it hides. It also, almost always spreads to the other areas of your life.

Doesn’t it sis?

Sex & Psychology - Let's bring the data in—because this isn't just a “you” thing.

Harvard's 80-year longitudinal study on well-being found this:

The single most common midlife regret reported by women wasn’t financial, or even about parenting. It was “staying too long in something I knew wasn’t right.”

And what fuels that regret?

Self Abandonment

Studies in Psychological Science show that the brain literally quiets our instincts when we repeatedly suppress desire, making it harder over time to even recognize we're settling.

But here's the hope:

Neuroscience also shows that naming your truth—even privately—starts to rewire your sense of self-worth.

You don't need to make a big move.
You just need to stop lying to yourself.

You can tell the difference between flourishing and settling by asking yourself honestly. When I imagine this being my life 5 years from now:

1. I feel:

   • Deep peace

   • Low-key dread

   • Numb indifference

   • Hope—if something changes

2. I fantasize about:

   • Deeper sex

   • Being alone

   • Being wildly desired

   • All of the above

3. I stay because:

   • I'm afraid to start over

   • I'm grateful it's not worse

   • I don't want to hurt anyone

   • I don't believe I can do it alone/don’t want to be alone

4. If I told my deepest truth right now, it would be:

   • This is not enough

   • I want more

   • I don't even know what I want

   • I want out but feel guilty

5. I believe I deserve:

   • Love that excites me

   • Just enough to get by

   • Comfort over joy

   • Everything I secretly crave

If 3 or more answers made your stomach drop...
You're not weak. You're waking up.
Don't abandon yourself now.

Resources

May is Masturbation Month.

I’m going to do a whole series on masturbation in future Liberation Letters because there is a LOT to be excited about on this subject, but I really wanted to pass on a few tips, tricks and tools before the month ended.

I’d like to open with lube. Lube for all.

We know the joke about lotion on the bedside table… but really folks, men and women alike.

So many people go basic when it comes to their masturbation practice. I’ve never understood it.

Take the extra 5 seconds, get out the lube and make the whole thing top level. It’s self-pleasure folks, splurge! If you don’t have a favourite brand of lube, here is mine. (Not an ad)

Permission and pleasure for the penis owner

A 2004 study found that prostate-owners who ejaculated more than 21 times a month reduced their risk of prostate cancer by roughly 33 percent, compared to those who only did the deed four to seven times a month.

In 2016, researchers followed up with that same group from 2004 and found that those who ejaculated 8 to 12 times per month reduced their prostate cancer risk by 10 percent. So - get at it boys. And when you do, maybe try this.

It’s a whole new experience: It doesn’t try to imitate any known sensation like fellatio or penetration; it stimulates the phallus with sonic waves from all sides without needing extra thrusting motion.

Thanks to the AI interactive mode, it translates your every movement in real time into encrypted feedback and responds with vibrations along your penis.

For the va-va vulva vixens

You may have heard of the rose or have one of many clitoral stimulators, or maybe you haven’t heard or experienced such a thing (OMFG, get ready), but this one is far and away best in class.

I was recommended it by a partner and I can tell you, he’s one of my favourite people to this day.

I’m not going to tell you anything more than that you should skip the Starbucks for a month and instead, invest in this - it’ll keep you awake in much more pleasurable ways and you will sleep far better.

Forget the melatonin, masturbate. In a study soon to be published by The Kinsey Institute, 14% of women say they masturbate to get to sleep… talk about a dream. 

For everyone - let’s all try and normalize masturbation. It’s something we all do, it’s great for our physical and mental health and it’s one of the few sports you can participate in your whole life.

I have a weekly goal myself, but that’s based on some recent studies around orgasm and life expectancy, and I plan to live till I’m 108 ;) (Reply to this email if you want these studies)

DEAR KELSEY…

This was the first submission we received

Sister - first - thank you for this question because it is a question I get a lot and not just from singles on the sidelines.

I get this same question phrased slightly differently from married folks who want to return to deep connection with their partner(s) when sex (if its happening at all) feels more like a routine teeth cleaning than it does a soul connected experience.

We ALL want connection at the soul level! We want to feel seen, understood, intuited. Sex in partnership is, at its root, about the emotion(s) we yearn for and desire to get in our most intimate relationships.

If it was only about tingles and throbbing, moaning and orgasms, we could just masturbate our way to happiness (Refer to above).

For the married and partnered folks

Getting back in the game is often about taking the pressure off of the ’sex’ and turning the heat back up on the intimate connection. 

Questions like: “when do you feel most connected to me, can be a good starting place. Or, for those ready to hit it a bit harder - sitting cross legged facing one another and saddling up for a minimum three minute eye gaze.”

No words allowed, just mono-y-mono looking at each other in the eyes. That’s soul.

For the single folks:

I feel you. So much about dating culture today is a marketing campaign to get the swipe and a date to get off. It’s McDonalds style drive through… place your order, eat it as you drive to the next event.

No judgement, I’m a fan of a burger on the run… but when you want nourishment, fuel, a five star experience, the drive-through dating culture of the times isn’t going to cut it.

I have three things to say that folks might nit agree with, but it’s how I see it:

1. You have to believe. Believe that you are just the right person for just the right partner. Because, you believe there is someone looking for someone like you too. That’s the part when you say “fuck, I’m great, even though I’m imperfect. They are going to think it’s cute that I leave my undies on the floor.”

2. You have to get naked. Naked truth that is - get clear in what you really want and don’t go on McDonalds dates. Ask the person right up front if they are DTF or want to build something lasting. No shame but you NEED to be clear on what are nonnegotiable versus nice to haves. I mean really, really know that list and mean it. If it’s non-negotiable, honey, don’t negotiate….but if it’s just a nice to have, don’t make that nice to have a non-negotiable. (I’ll tell you about my spreadsheet some other time)

3. Get your perky, saggy, wiggly, quarter-bouncing, whatever kind of behind you have out there. You have to be on the field to win… and you need to cheer for your own damn team. Every date is data. Remember, whomever you want, wants YOU - they’ve been hoping for you all along. If you show up as anyone else, or unclear, they won’t see you, even if you are sitting right in front of them.

Bonus Info - the fellas are in the same boat. This isn’t a question from a woman that applies to only women. The fellas feel the exact same way. They want their soul seen, they want sex to be the kind that moves planets….they want it all just as much. The joke that isn’t funny - they can’t say it out loud in a culture that taught most that it’s not ‘manly’ to seek soul over score.

Now - that’s a long one… because it applies to us all. We all want our soul stirred, deep.

I’ll be rooting for you, your clarity, your sovereignty when you state what you need and I will be listening for our screams when you get that soul love you deserve.

If you’d like to write to me (completely anonymous) here is a form you can fill out to write thoughts, frustrations, curiosities, or experiences, even ask a question.

Open form here.