You want sex.
You want him.
But not like that.

Long term relationships have a cadence, a way, a level of comfort that we have worked for... but sometimes this comfort turns our ‘turn-on’ right off.

One of the most common questions I am asked: “What do I do if I don’t want the kind of sex I am having?”

A client recently asked me to share her story. Not because she wanted the fame, but because she wished someone had told her what I am about to tell you.

Jenny and her husband have a good solid relationship, nothing is especially wrong - except the sex - or lack of it. 

Every time his hand landed on her body, she smiled politely while her mind sprinted elsewhere — the grocery list, tomorrow’s pitch deck, the kid’s field trip form.

She wanted him. She wanted intimacy. She wanted to be cracked open and kissed until her bones forgot their names.
But instead she felt like a vending machine someone kept slapping when the product wouldn’t drop. Nothing was coming of the usual things that she used to enjoy.

She loved him. She resented him. She resented herself more. Because somewhere along the way she’d trained him to think that mechanical touch was what made her happy.

Now, she’s starting to dread sex and she knows deep down that it’s about her, not him… her not wanting the sex she is having. Plus, she’s not telling him about it because she does not know how… and worse, she does not even know what to ask for.

The Myth: If you don’t want the sex you’re getting, you must be broken. Low libido. Hormones. Frigid. Too busy. Too old.

If you don’t know what you want, you mustn't want anything.

The Truth: Your body isn’t refusing sex. Your body is refusing that sex.

It knows the difference between connection and completion. Between presence and performance. Between erotic aliveness and sexual obligation.

Your body will likely know what it wants when it feels it. Like ordering ice cream, how can you know if you will like pistachio ice cream without trying it?

Modern culture has resulted in a sea of women who meet deadlines, meet expectations, meet everyone else’s needs before their own. The same override seeps into sex.

We’ve been conditioned to think wanting sex is binary: you do or you don’t.

But desire is contextual.

The research is clear: Emily Nagoski’s work on responsive vs spontaneous desire (Come As You Are, 2015) and a 2020 study in the Journal of Sexual Medicine confirm that context.

This isn’t low libido. This is your nervous system screaming for presence, not performance.

Try These Three Steps Back to Connection

Here are the first three things I recommend:

Close your eyes. Connect with the feeling you want - not the sexual act you want… what emotion you want to feel during the sex you are having. Then, imagine what kind of sexual act might bring you that feeling? 

You might want to feel seen. A slow approach, eyes open kiss might make you feel seen.

You might want to feel claimed. A forceful toss on the bed might make you feel claimed.

What we often are seeking is a feeling of connection through our bodies again, and we want novelty too… but we want those old feelings we are missing. This is a way to examine the feeling(s) that feel desired most and some new ways (or re-booted ways) to get them.

I cannot emphasize this one enough: do not talk about sex in the bedroom. When you are looking for growth, change, exploration or simply to chat about how you feel your intimate life is going, doing it in the bedroom can take all of the air out of the event. I recommend keeping it casual, as you walk the dog, over breakfast, on a lunch date you set up but just in passing. Try not to make a big event of it, and remember that your partner wants to be invited into the sex conversation you are currently having about the both of you, but alone.

Pick something to change, however small. Perhaps you always start with him going down on you. Try to change up the sequence. Maybe instead of the pressure you always use when you give him a shoulder massage, use light fingers to trace his hairline first. Try being the first to introduce change to invite him to begin small changes as well.

Treat your/his/her touch as a test - re-introduce yourself to your sex life by starting small and don’t put too much pressure on yourselves. Remain CURIOUS and allow things you try to be better or worse than you had expected. Have a debrief ice cream walk or a harvesting conversation the next day…let thoughts and feelings settle, the re-visit and ask questions like:

In the lab, trying new things, hubba-hubba,

~ Kelsey

I’m in the final sprint toward completing my Somatic Sex Coach certification with the Somatica Institute. To graduate, I need another 40 hours of client work before the end of October.

This is your chance to step into a one-on-one session with me — either in person or over Zoom — and experience this work firsthand. 

What is Somatic Sex Coaching?
It’s body-based, consent-forward, science-backed, soul-deep coaching. It’s where we practice real intimacy skills, nervous system regulation, erotic expansion, and the art of feeling alive again.

If you’ve been craving more sensation, more sovereignty, more fire — these sessions are for you.

Spots are going to book like lightning because I know a lot of us have been “Head-up Heathers” for a while. If your body just whispered yes as you read this, that’s your invitation.

You can check out tickets here!