It Was Never About the Orgasm

The 3 Types of Sex You’re Probably Having

1. Maintenance Sex
Scheduled, familiar, functional—like an oil change. It keeps you going—but it doesn’t build intimacy.

Still, research shows that sex leaves an emotional afterglow lasting up to 48 hours, and stronger afterglow predicts better relationship satisfaction over time 

2. Special Occasion Sex
Holiday heat, wedding weekend, birthday night. Temporary novelty that raises desire—but only briefly. Without repeat novelty, the buzz fades fast 

3. Sex for Sport (my favorite)
This is play. It’s curiosity, co‑creation, and strategy—not a finish line to reach. Sometimes orgasm happens, sometimes not. It’s the moves, not the score, that matter.

Because here is what we know

Four Shifts to Ignite Intimacy

1. Drop the orgasm goal.
An orgasm is wonderful—but not mandatory. Deep satisfaction often comes from the flow between you

2. Prioritize pleasure over performance.
Approach sex because it’s fun, moving, connective—not to prove something. Research shows that approach motivation (seeking closeness or pleasure) leads to more satisfaction than avoidance motives (duty, obligation).

3. Learn and evolve your erotic skills.
Communication, timing, technique—it’s a muscle you build. Many couples report only knowing ~62% of what their partner finds pleasurable—which means there’s room to learn 

4. Play together.
Flirt. Tease. Use inside jokes. A study with 211 couples found that more playful partners experience less jealousy and more secure attachment—an intimacy booster. 

Resources

Try This Tonight: The Erotic Exploration Chart

Download your Erotic Expansion Inventory— a simple, soul‑infused checklist designed to help you:

• Notice where you’ve grown stagnant—where you haven’t tried something new.

• Identify which type of sex dominates your habits.

• Spot opportunities to play, connect, explore.

Because intimacy thrives not on perfection—but on evolution. 

If you want real fun, have both you and your partner fill it out and then swap papers…

share what you want, see what they want… you might be surprised where these is overlap that you simply haven’t put voice to yet.

Dear Kelsey…

Try this:

Lie naked together, side by side. 

One touches, one receives.

No talk, no expectation, no orgasm.

Here is the specific task - your homework assignment:

Try touching your partner with your eyes closed with the intention of giving them pleasure… just strokes down their arm or across the chest.

Now, do the same thing, but make the pleasure for you, not focussed on them alone.

Have each of you do this one after the other (one or two minutes per sensation, pleasure for them then pleasure for you).  

The best part, talk about the ways the experience was different for each of you with the pleasure focus on the other and the self.

Builds trust. Awakens sensation. Reconnects you as team players, not duty-fulfillers.

Click the link below to make your anonymous submission.

Open form here