Secret Physics of Desire

DESIRE = PRESSURE

Forget the clinical diagrams for a sec.
Here’s what you need to know:

Every moment you don’t give in? That’s where the electricity lives.

The problem is, most people burn through that delicious tension too fast. They skip right to "let's get to it" 

ike desire is an item on the to-do list.

But desire isn’t polite.
Desire wants the slow burn. The escalating tease. The “are we going to?” game.
It needs space to swell.

And that means holding the edge.

BUT

In long term relationships, there is often a fork in the road. Either there’s almost no sex and the idea of hinting at the desire you do have, creates too much pressure to go all the way when it’s so awkward to get started. 

OR

It’s a sure bet - and we all get into the routine that lacks the tension because, well, we’ve got a routine.

BUT

For allllll of us, in long term relationships or not, we need to give ourselves a damn break and set the orgasms to the side. I’m petitioning you all to consider ONLY desire as the object.

Forget everything that comes after and let that stuff unfold… this week’s assignment is Desire because married couples who engage in regular sexual activity (even once per week), rates of reported relationship happiness are 3.5x higher than couples who report sex only once per month or less.

You up for the challenge?

Just a Tip: Spontaneous vs. Responsive Desire (The Modern Reality)

Here’s what no one tells you in your 30s, 40s, and 50s:

For many of us (especially women, especially in long-term relationships), desire doesn’t just appear. It’s responsive. You don’t want until you’re already halfway in.

• The flirty text.

• The slow, intentional brush of fingers on the back of your neck.

• The stolen glance at dinner when your partner’s talking to someone else, and you feel the flicker of mine.

Intentional "desire-building behaviors" (playful teasing, anticipation, slow build-up) increase relationship satisfaction by 30–40% over time in long-term couples.

Responsive desire needs context.
It needs safety and danger.
Comfort and chase.
When you learn to cultivate the lead-up, the body will meet you there.

And yes, hormones play their part (dopamine, oxytocin, testosterone — your brain’s kinky little chem lab). But it’s attention and anticipation that fuel the whole engine.

Resources

10 Micro-Tension Builders for Married, Dating & Playing

If you’d like to write to me (completely anonymous) here is a form you can fill out to write thoughts, frustrations, curiosities, or experiences, even ask a question. Ask me anything!

Open form here.

Real submission by a reader. DEAR KELSEY…

Perhaps I should not be saying this… but you have made me so very happy. I am thrilled to be even a small part of letting your self-sex genie out of the bottle. Once out, oh sister, she won’t be going back in. 

Let me start though by sharing that you are NOT alone, many, many, many women I speak with carry big time shame and judgement about masturbation. 

As a result, many women have never explored the joys of self pleasure because that’s not what good girls do. 

Back in February I was giving my first sex & sovereignty talk to a room full of CEO types when I disclosed that I believe all teenage girls should be given a vibrator for their birthday before they become sexually active with a partner.

This was received with some degree of horror and shock by the predominately male crowd... but to their credit, they remained open, curious and listening. Here was my take that turned them around:

Until we know our own bodies, how do we know what we like?

Without masturbation, we learn to like only that which we are given. Sex then becomes a limited experience based on ordering only off of the menu set by someone else.

AND, if you are in a heterosexual relationship, it’s a menu set by a chef who can’t taste his own dishes.

So - to you my blooming babe - here’s how to get started in a few steps:

1. Lube  - get it (either h20 or Foria) and start with a personal massage... just feel yourself up, make a mental map - get to know the terrain. You could spend the first week just doing this. Get to know what it feels like to touch yourself. Use your mind to focus on the sensation in your fingertips, then your skin, then back to your fingertips… just begin by noticing. No objective, just notice.

2. Fingers - start low tech with touch. Your clit is likely the highest return exploration to begin with… and I will give you two ways to play that you might enjoy. They are just slightly past 101 level. The first, treat your clit like a small erect penis (anatomy geeks know that is what it is anyways) and with your pointer and middle finger scissored on either side, slowly stroke up and down or with pressure, pinching the two fingers together, draw gentle circles. If that isn’t a good time, you can also try the morse code. This is the rhyme tapping of your finger on the underside of your clitoris, giving it just enough attention to draw your attention to the sensation, while you use your other hand for penetration.

3. Electronics - this one is a whole series in itself, but to get started, take it easy. Some of the toys out there will literally blow your mind and your neighbours windows out… so start with something like this. It’s typically called a ‘bullet’ vibrator. They have a bunch of settings, speeds, vibe pulses. Treat the play with it as a laboratory - an exploration, an experiment. And again, just focus on the noticing and not the outcome. You’ll notice when something feels good and then just follow that!

4. Partners - My suggestion, if you are not yet super comfortable with masturbating yourself, you might ask your partner if you can watch him masturbate, invite the experience of voyeurism into your relationship and then once you are comfortable, you can drop a hint, ask if he would like to watch you. Simple and clear invitations with phrasing like “I’ve been curious how it would feel if we…….”, then see what your partner says. The more we invite with curiosity and clarity, the more we tend to find.

5. Bonus - travel - This is a big one ladies and gents. For those who travel, and most of us only use carry on when on shorter trips - there is always the moment when you think “should I pack this?”. Many don’t for the fear of the security folks opening your bag and putting your sex toy on full display for all of the other passengers to see. Now, this advice comes from experience. Hard earned (stories to come in future issues of LL). Put your toys in a zippered makeup bag right on the top, laid out flat. In this way, the x-ray can see plainly that it is an electronic and that it is shaped like something that involves sex. If, for some reason the person running the x-ray machine wants to check it out anyways, at least the matter can be discreet, when the guard zips open the bag to plainly see the apparatuses.

So, all in, late bloomer, you are not alone, you are in for some great times, your partner(s) is/are too because you will be able to communicate new things you like through your own explorations… and woman, I’m thrilled you dropped the shame we inherited about exploring our own pleasure.

It’s a shame to have a Ferrari in the garage that we never take out for a drive… only when our friends can come for a ride. I’m for the solo trip, put on some of your favourite tunes, oil up and take that engine for a spin!

Vroom-vroom… bloom on!

In love, Kelsey