Shame, Desire, and the Wild You
Content note: This piece centers consent, agency, and aftercare. Nothing here implies harm. If anything feels too edgy, opt out. I’m all for choice, and also, all for kink - when desired.
Desire doesn’t ruin you. Desire reveals you.
That fantasy you’ve tucked in the back of your mind? It doesn’t make you filthy. It makes you honest.
And when we strip shame away, kink stops being a secret and starts being a compass.
These are real stories — mine, my clients’ (with permission), maybe yours too.
Tuesday, 9:41 PM – Gmail Notification
Her subject line: “Confession.”
She writes: “I can’t stop thinking about being tied up. But if I say it out loud, does that make me twisted? Dirty? Or worse, what would he say if I told him?”
I sit back. Desire isn’t the danger. Shame is.
Thursday, 9:02 PM – Dinner Party Conversation
Someone finally asked the question out loud: “So… what even counts as kink?”
The table went quiet. Then I answered:
“Kink isn’t just whips, nipple clips or latex. It’s anything outside the default script of missionary sex, maybe a little doggy style, lights off, minimal talking.
If you’ve ever used a blindfold.
If you’ve ever played with spanking, role-play, power games.
If you’ve ever watched yourself in a mirror while having sex.”
That’s kink.
It starts where vanilla ends—where creativity, curiosity, or intensity show up.
Kink isn’t that rare. Kink is curiosity with structure.
Something You Could Try Tonight:
Trace your first “bad” message → find today’s body cue → rewrite your permission sentence → schedule a 12-minute practice.
Saturday, 6:27 PM – Client Debrief Email
“Sometimes kink feels like it’s too far off the map,” he writes.
Research confirms it: high inhibition → less satisfaction. Calibrated excitation → better function.
And kink? Newer studies show it’s not dysfunction. Quite the opposite. Negotiated kink builds trust, reduces anxiety, and deepens intimacy.
I know this firsthand. After a season of distrust, BDSM helped me rebuild: risk releasing the control that kept me ‘safe’, be vulnerable, fully seen, receive care, store a new memory. “I can release, be fully seen — and safe. I can trust.”
Sunday, 2:04 PM – Coffee Shop with a Friend
She stirs her latte, whispers: “I think I want a threesome. Am I crazy?”
The truth: kink isn’t fringe. It’s everywhere. Studies show that the number one fantasy in America is having a threesome. Studies also show us what’s happening behind closed doors:
Spanked during sex ≈ 45.8% of midlife adults
Role-played ≈ 27.4%
Tied up ≈ 26.0%
Playful whipping ≈ 20.1%
Kink isn’t an outlier. It’s the average. The only unusual thing is pretending we’re not already doing it!
Monday, 7:58 AM – Dear Kelsey Submission
“I keep having this fantasy of being pinned down. Is that bad?”
I answer: “Not bad. Not dirty. Just data.”
Fantasies are a compass: Feeling • Body • Meaning.
Example A: Pinned
Feeling: relief from control → to be held
Body: steady pressure, slower tempo
Meaning: surrender toward trust
Delivery: confirm consent for the pin, hands holding pressure down on hips, eye contact engaged, aftercare with curiosity and reassurance
Example B: Worship
Feeling: being chosen
Body: scalp touch, eye contact, slow kisses
Meaning: devotion
Delivery: time-rich session, praise words, close with tea + three gratitudes for each other
Kink isn’t the point. Clarity is. Connecting with our core desired feelings is.
Friday, 10:22 PM – Coaching Debrief
She looks up after her first scene: “I thought this would make me feel dirty. Instead, I feel clean.”
If you read this and you’re ready to go deeper: join me inside Desire Lab — a six-week container for melting shame and practicing truth. Reply CURIOUS for details.
Dear Kelsey —
If you have questions or want to share an experience of desire, kink, or shame, write to me. Always anonymous. Always read by me.
Here’s to talking about it.
We Want to Hear from You
We are Looking For Women, Men & Couples (35 - 69 yrs old) Ready To Share Their Love & Personal Liberation Stories
Here's what I know: somewhere between "having it all" and feeling half-alive, there's a reckoning. A moment when you realize that success without soul is just sophisticated suffering...that love without truth of heart is a performance that’s one of the greatest tragedies of our lives.
That's why I'm filming "What is Real Love?" with Paramount Love—and we want to hear from you if you read the above and know exactly what we mean. You've felt it. Or you're feeling it right now.
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Deadline: Oct 10, 2025
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~ from the desk of Kelsey