Anecdotes

The 3 Lies About Love (and the Ache to Be Chosen)

Lie #1 — “If they love me, they’ll just know.”

Hollywood fed us this one early. The soulmate myth. 

The idea that your person will intuitively know exactly how to love you, touch you, see you, anticipate your every need, no instructions required is a lie.

Truth: Love isn’t telepathy.

People need to be shown how to love us. Even good people. Even the right people. Desire is built, not magically downloaded. Sexual compatibility is learned, explored, co-created, it’s not assigned.

Couples who actively communicate their needs (emotionally and sexually) report up to 70% higher satisfaction than those who assume “if it’s meant to be, it’ll just work.”

Lie #2 — “Desire fades because we get older.”

Nope. Desire fades because we stop tending it.

It gets buried under logistics and comfort.
We confuse safety with spark.
We swap playful tension for task management.

Truth: Desire demands space. Distance. Flirtation. Play.
Couples who maintain erotic tension — even tiny micro-teases throughout the day — report significantly higher sexual satisfaction even after 20+ years together.

You don’t need younger hormones. You need better tension.

You also need to make an effort… and not wait for anyone else to.

Lie #3 — “If I have to ask for it, it’s not real.”

This is the most dangerous one. The shame-inducing one.
The one that turns women into martyrs for "needing too much."

We’ve been trained that needing to be pursued, adored, desired is somehow childish.

That real power is being unbothered. Well, that’s just some BS right there. A slick way to avoid rejection is to pretend that we don’t want to be wanted, out loud, and often.

Truth: The deepest, most sacred thing we crave isn’t “having someone.”
It’s being chosen.

Deliberately. Repeatedly. Especially after they know the whole of you — your light, your darkness, your needs.

The strongest relationships are built on chosen-ness that’s expressed again and again. Through words, through gestures, through pursuit.

In my very humble opinion, marriage might be the number one killer of marriages. Why?

Because many people assume that as of that day, their partner knows that they were chosen… and there isn’t a need to keep reminding them. The marriage was the choice and the lock is on, work is done and security should be affirmed. Deadly assumptions.

Couples who engage in regular expressions of active desire — compliments, unexpected touch, verbal affirmations of attraction — report higher relational stability and long-term desire longevity.

The Ache to Be Chosen

Underneath every faked orgasm, every carefully curated dating profile, every marital dry spell — is this ache.

"See me. Want me. Pick me."

It doesn’t make you weak.
It makes you human.

We are wired for belonging and erotic significance.
Esther Perel calls this "the erotic tether" — the need to feel desired as unique, as irreplaceable, even when secure attachment is present.

When couples let that current of choosing die, the relationship calcifies into logistics.

The opposite of desire isn’t conflict.
It’s indifference.

Resources: A PRACTICE: The Chosen Ritual

If you want to feel chosen again, here’s your assignment (solo or partnered):

Claim It: Write down what being chosen looks like for you. Be specific. Is it words? Attention? Texts? Initiation?

Speak It: Share it with your partner. Frame it as an invitation, not a complaint. "It turns me on so deeply when You…” or, “You are my man and when you choose me by ……..I feel like the only woman in the room."

Do It: Choose them first. Initiate. Flirt. Say the words. Set the tone. If you want to be met by an equal, you must show up as one.

Desire is contagious. When one partner reactivates the choosing energy, it often awakens the other.

Dear Kelsey…

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