The One Who Got Away
This Might Change How You See Past Love Forever
We all carry one.
A name that still hums in the nervous system.
A memory that tightens the chest before the mind can intervene.
A love we’ve mythologized into something almost sacred.
The one who got away.
But here’s the truth most people never say out loud:
The one who got away wasn’t your greatest love.
They were your greatest mirror to the version of you that hadn’t arrived yet.
“Learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” - Whitney Houston
She wasn’t being sentimental.
She was being precise.
I’ve always told my children this:
Dating is like auditioning — for both people.
Not acting.
Not pretending.
Not shrinking or stretching yourself to be chosen.
But offering the truest version of yourself that fits the story at that exact moment in time.
Main character energy only.
And sometimes — you don’t get the part.
Not because you weren’t enough.
Not because you failed.
But because that role belonged to a future version of you who hadn’t arrived yet.
I’ve dated many good men.
Kind men.
Capable men.
They weren’t wrong.
They just weren’t right for that chapter.
And the one who “got away”? He didn’t take something from me. He revealed something in me that hadn’t come online yet.
Myth:
“The one who got away was my greatest love.”
Truth:
“The one who got away was a developmental teacher — not a destiny.”
Most relationships don’t end because love is missing.
They end because self-love hasn’t stabilized yet.
This isn’t romantic tragedy.
It’s relational curriculum.
Our culture romanticizes longing.
Unfinished love.
Nostalgia.
The ache of almost.
Psychology tells a different story.
Attachment theory shows that adult relationships are shaped by early relational patterns that evolve over time — not fixed fate (Bowlby; Mikulincer & Shaver).
Insecure attachment amplifies longing, obsession, and fantasy, while secure attachment supports growth, regulation, and mutual becoming.
Neuroscience adds another layer: ambiguity and lack of closure heighten emotional intensity. The brain fills gaps with fantasy, not truth.
And here’s the part we rarely name:
Growth-oriented love often feels quieter to an unhealed nervous system.
It’s regulating.
Secure.
Expansive.
Not chaotic.
Not obsessive.
Not intoxicating in the way survival patterns once were.
But it’s the kind of love where you thrive.
Every relationship you’ve had was part of a curriculum.
Some were mirrors.
Some were catapults.
Some were initiations disguised as heartbreak.
None were mistakes.
The one who “got away” didn’t abandon you.
They escorted you closer to yourself.
And that is the only love that never leaves.
In “The Only Way to Date Successfully,” The School of Life shows that the truest foundation for meaningful love isn’t technique or charm. It’s knowing yourself, standing on your own behalf, and pursuing connection from a place of clarity and self-worth.
Take five uninterrupted minutes. Write without editing.
For each significant relationship, ask:
Who was I becoming at that time?
What did this relationship teach me about how I love?
What part of me wasn’t yet self-led?
What capacity did this relationship help me develop — even through pain?
This isn’t about regret. It’s about integration.
There are two great loves we are here to learn:
1. The love that teaches us how to love ourselves deeply.
Boundaries. Discernment. Self-trust. Sovereignty.
2. The love we grow with over time.
A partner who can meet us as we are now — not as a wound, not as a projection, but as an evolving adult.
The first makes the second possible.
Always.
Before we close I want to declare something to you.
We are on a mission to liberate love. I’m not shy about it, it’s what I am on this planet to do. So are you.
So ask yourself:
Who came to mind while you were reading?
A friend still romanticizing the past.
A sister grieving an almost.
A partner who needs this reframe but doesn’t yet have the language.
Forward this letter to them.
Not to fix.
Not to convince.
But to offer a mirror - a moment of love and understanding - to be seen and held — exactly on time.
That’s how liberation spreads.
With love that liberates,
truth that steadies,
and sovereignty that endures —
Kelsey
P.S. — The Oneness Giveaway
One couple will receive an intimacy experience valued at $7,500.
You choose the city: NYC, Vancouver, Toronto, or LA.
We design the rest.
Two nights of the deepest connection you’ve had in years.
A custom-designed intimacy weekend — backed by science, informed by soul.
This isn’t a getaway.
It’s a recalibration of love.
P.P.S. — Coming Next Week
Next week, I’ll be debriefing my European Intimacy Tour — three countries, countless conversations, and a front-row seat to how love, lust, and liberation are evolving across the world.
I’ll be sharing:
Brand-new relational tools
Emerging intimacy trends
And lived insights from the field
Stay tuned.