This one may be controversial

Let’s talk about our daughters

As my daughter packs up to head to university in a few weeks, I am thinking about all of the frontiers of teaching, sharing, parenting I have been on with her.

The things I might change and the things I think I did right. Today’s Liberation Letter is about a thing I did right… and I implore you to keep an open mind, shed the shame many of us inherited on the subject of pleasure… and hear this mother out.

I want to talk about the first time.
Not the technicalities.
The truth.

The truth that so many of us didn’t have a first time—
We had a first disappearance.
A first detachment.
A first performance.

It looked like sex.
But it felt like pretending.

Because no one told us the first time could be ours.
They only told us how not to get hurt.
Not how to feel.
Not how to want.
Not how to know our own bodies before offering them to someone else.

I’m not interested in protecting her (my daughters) virginity.
I’m interested in protecting her wholeness.
Her voice. Her aliveness. Her ability to say,

“This is what I like. This is what I don’t. And I don’t need anyone else to teach me.”

So yes…

I believe we should give our daughters vibrators for their birthdays.

Not to be provocative.
But to give them what most of us never had:

Ownership. Exploration. Choice.

What If We Gave Her That Gift?

Imagine her first time being with herself:
In privacy. In softness. In curiosity.
No judgment. No agenda. Just sensation and discovery.

Imagine her knowing her orgasm before anyone else ever tried to give her one.
Imagine her being able to say:
“I’ve met myself. I know what I like. And I’m not here to perform for you.”

Imagine the lineage break.
The shift.
The power of a girl who knows she doesn’t need to be chosen to matter.

To the Mothers, the Aunties, the Cycle-Breakers:

If we want to raise daughters who don’t settle—
We have to teach them they don’t have to.
We have to stop whispering around sex and start rooting it in truth.

If your first time was more silence than sensation,
More shame than yes—
That wasn’t your fault.

But what you do now?
That’s your choice.

Let’s raise girls who come home to themselves before anyone else touches them.

Because here is what we know

• Girls who know their own pleasure are less likely to tolerate bad sex or coercion.

• Self-pleasure improves body confidence, self-esteem, and emotional regulation.

• Teaching girls about desire helps prevent trauma, not create it.

This isn’t sexualization.
This is sovereignty.

It’s saying:

“Your body is yours first. Your yes is sacred. And your pleasure is not optional.”

Resources

What to ask yourself before having these conversations:

• What did I need to know before my first time that no one told me?

• What part of my pleasure story am I still hiding from myself?

• What would it look like to gift the next generation something different?

The Gift: How to give her a vibrator (and what to say)

• “This is a tool, not a toy. It’s not dirty. It’s not about anyone else. It’s about learning what you like, where you feel, what your body says yes to.”

• “You don’t have to use it right away. You don’t have to talk to me about it. But I want you to know: you get to explore your own body without shame.”

• “If you ever have questions—or if something feels confusing or intense—you can come to me. No punishment. Just support.”

Include one of these with the conversation or as follow-ups:

• Sex Is a Funny Word by Cory Silverberg (great for tweens)

• Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski (older teens+)

• OMGYes.com (science-backed digital tool for women’s pleasure—great to explore together or gift access)

Dear Kelsey…

Dear Pleaser,

You’re not alone. Many of us, mid-romp, drift to the grocery list or how our stomach looks instead of sinking into pleasure. So we default to what’s safe—focusing on our partner. Their pleasure feels easier than claiming our own.

But here’s the truth: your pleasure matters. It’s not selfish, it’s sexy. Your partner wants you fully in it.

If you’re struggling, it might be:

1. You’re stuck in your head and can’t feel.

2. The sexual connection is frayed, even if you care deeply.

3. You don’t know what you want, or can’t ask for it.

A simple tool for each:

• Get into your body: Next time you’re touched, close your eyes. Focus only on the sensation. No goal. Just feel.

• Reconnect with your partner: Place a hand on each other’s chest. Breathe together, eyes locked, for 7 breaths. Feel the presence.

• Find your desires: Explore solo. Then say: “I’ve been thinking about XYZ lately... would you want to try it with me?”

And remember—it’s not all about orgasm. It’s about being here, in your body, in your pleasure. The rest will follow.

Click the link below to make your anonymous submission.

Open form here