Want to Stay Married? Consider a Divorce.
What if the secret to a thriving marriage wasn’t staying together forever…
…but divorcing every three years?
Not legally. Not financially. But erotically, emotionally….
A ritual reset. A refusal to go numb.
A reminder that you are chosen—not by default.
Seriously, what if?
A classic of our times - this story is one I hear once a week:
“We haven’t really fought in years. We’re efficient. We’re kind. We’re a well-oiled family machine. And I haven’t wanted to fuck him in a decade.”
Harmony had become the coffin of their heat.
No jagged edges, no sparks—just the soft smothering blanket of politeness.
They’d optimized for peace and lost their pulse.
Imagine instead: every three years you sit across from your partner and ask—
Would I still choose you? Would you still choose me?
And then live like the answer TRULY mattered.
Myth vs Truth
Myth: Passion dies with time.
Truth: Passion dies in default.
Comfort kills erotic friction.
Risk and truth are the CPR.
Want to stay married: consider a divorce.
Cultural Commentary + Science
When emotional connection erodes, relationships falter—and often end.
69% of divorces in the U.S. are initiated by women, suggesting wives are more emotionally dissatisfied than husbands
Emotional distance—feeling unheard, unseen, or disconnected—quietly corrodes passion.
Sexual desire is a major driver.
In a UK survey of 7,000 people, 34% of women in relationships over one year lacked interest in sex, compared to just 15% of men (Graham et al., 2017).
Longitudinal data show women’s desire often plummets within 1–4 years, while men’s holds until around 9–12 years (Waugh & Baker, 2025).
Women aren’t less sexual; they’re often bored with routine sex in committed contexts, while men’s desire remains steadier even when bored.
Emotional closeness and communication are protective. The UK study found that couples who could talk openly about sex were 40% less likely to lose desire. Not feeling emotionally close during sex, on the other hand, strongly predicted low interest.
Finally, passion requires balance. A 2024 study found that too much closeness without independence predicts faster desire decline. In other words, safety fuels commitment, but space and individuality fuel erotic spark.
Takeaway: Desire isn’t lost with time—it fades when comfort replaces curiosity. Couples who blend emotional intimacy with novelty and independence keep passion alive.
Resources for you
Here’s your experiment this week:
The Three-Year Divorce Ritual
Sit across from your partner.
Ask: “If we were divorcing today, what would you miss most about me?”
Ask: “If we were re-choosing today, what would you need from me, to say yes?”
Say your truths. Clarity, even when difficult, is kind.
Make one erotic risk together before the week is over.
BONUS: pick any of the questions in the Intimacy Conversation Starter’s Pack (download below) keep going and get really real…..de-risking a dead end relationship while you can!
If you are looking to go from talking to taking action on your desires, I’m excited to share the Oneness Experience with you. One night. One room. Just the two of you.
The Oneness Experience is a private, luxury intimacy immersion designed for couples who want to reignite passion without distraction. No group work, no mixing—just you, your partner, and a bespoke itinerary curated by me to take you deeper into love, lust, and liberation.
November 7 • Toronto $777 per couple (plus hotel)
Only 2 rooms remain. I’m blushing because all other rooms sold out before I was able to fit this into the newsletter! When they’re gone, they’re gone…and I hope to see you there.
👉 If you want more information, reply to this email with the subject line “Oneness Experience”
Try This
Dear Kelsey… “Fantasies feel so taboo, and yet talking about them and exploring them with a partner can create connection, fun, and even more curiosity. How can women open up to themselves (and their partners) about what they fantasize about?”
A: First—your fantasies aren’t weird, and you’re not broken for having them. Almost everyone fantasizes, and research shows 70% of people have shared a fantasy with their partner—and over 80% got a positive response. That’s not taboo, that’s human.
Start with yourself: write them down, name the feeling underneath. Is it about being wanted, being free, being powerful? Once you own it without judgment, sharing gets easier.
With your partner, keep it simple, and in an environment outside of the bedroom share: “I trust you, and I’d love to share something playful with you.” Frame it as curiosity, not a demand. Many partners respond with relief—finally, an honest window into what turns you on.
You don’t have to act them all out. Sometimes just speaking a fantasy is enough to spark new levels of turn-on. The point isn’t perfection, it’s honesty. Honesty thats HOT.
What Fantasies Are Most Prevalent
Fantasy Type | How Common It Is |
Having sexual fantasies at all | 90-97% of people report having them, using them to intensify desire. |
Fantasizing about the current partner | |
Group sex / multi-partner fantasies (threesomes, orgies) | |
Sadomasochism / showing / receiving pain |
What would change if every three years you had to win your partner back?
Reply and tell me: what’s one truth you’d speak if comfort wasn’t keeping you quiet?
Never by default, in love,
Kelsey
I’m Speaking at the Annual Sexological Conference
