When the Kids Knock: The Stealth Survival Guide
Monday, 9:12 PM – Zoom Session
"Kels, I swear my teenagers have CIA-level hearing. The second we start kissing, one of them needs something apparently only I can find for them," she laughs, then sighs.
"So we just… don’t. It feels like our sex life is on mute."
Her husband leans into the frame. "It’s like trying to bang in a library. One wrong move and you’re busted."
I grin.
"Welcome to stealth sex, my friends. Different rules, same fire. And here’s the twist: that tension, the thrill of maybe getting caught, can actually make sex hotter.
Neuroscience 101: secrecy + arousal = dopamine spike.
Translation? Whisper-fucking in your own house can be hotter than a Vegas hotel suite."
Tuesday, 6:37 AM – Email from a reader
"I’m the guy who turns the TV up so my kids don’t hear us. But my wife just rolls her eyes. How do I get her into it again?"
I wrote back:
"First off, she might be into it but the setting isn’t doing it. One in five parents admit their kids have walked in on them having sex.
Another study found that 70% of moms say parenting stress drains their desire — and it tanks sexual satisfaction for both partners. So yeah, this is normal. But normal doesn’t mean passionless.
Second: stop trying to drown out the sound. Volume isn’t the villain. Silence is the spice. Get quieter. Whisper what you’ve been too shy to say. Make her lean in. The softer you get, the hotter it gets.
Don’t try to go from zero to hero, not every encounter has to involve penetration.
If you haven’t been intimately connected for a while, a knee wobbling kiss can be more than enough. See her, slow down, make eye contact, kiss her as if it could be the last time, return to your regularly scheduled programming. Trust me, you lit a fire…..that’s now smoldering so you can lovingly tend to it.”
Something for you to try tonight: Quiet Passion Planning Guide
Passion doesn't always get to be loud, long, or perfectly choreographed. This guide is for the moments when you have five minutes, a locked bathroom, or just the quiet hum of wanting each other again—it's your permission slip to stop waiting for the perfect time and start creating micro-moments of intimacy that actually fit your real life.
Podcast - Foreplay Replay: Sex After Kids by Laurie Watson and Dr. Adam Matthews
If you've been feeling alone in the "we never have time for sex anymore" club, this episode is proof you're not.
Click to play
How and When to Talk to Kids About Sex, Consent & Safety
Because if they're going to walk in on you, you might as well have the words ready.
Thursday, 11:58 PM – Text from a client
"We tried your code-word thing. He texted me 🍷🥂 after bedtime. I met him in the laundry room. Best 6 minutes we’ve had in months."
I shot back: "Quickies, blow jobs and oral worship aren’t consolation prizes. They’re proof you still want each other. Not about duration, about intention."
The Secret Lover Playbook
Pick a code word or emoji (🍷, 🐰, 🔒).
Send it after the kids are in bed.
Meet somewhere unexpected — kitchen counter, laundry room, garage.
Keep it under 10 minutes. Remember that the tension created increases dopamine release… so know that this crescendo might be a good one!
BAM. Dopamine + intimacy. Giddy-up.
Friday, 7:24 PM – Couples Call
"But what about when they actually hear us?" she asks, cheeks red. "Our 11-year-old knocked last week… I wanted to die."
Here’s the truth: 20–25% of kids will walk in or overhear their parents at some point. The problem isn’t that they hear. It’s how you respond.
I told them:
If they’re little (0–4): “That was cuddle time. Everyone needs hugs.” Done.
If they’re 5–8: “That was private time. Not for kids.” Short, clear.
If they’re 9–12: “That was a private moment. Adults connect differently than kids. Just like you want privacy, so do we.”
If they’re teens: “That was sex. Adults have it. It’s healthy and private. We’ll be more mindful.”
The biggest mistake? Acting ashamed. Kids don’t need trauma piled on with silence. They need to see intimacy framed as love, connection, and privacy.
Her husband smirked. "So less panic, more confidence?"
"Exactly," I said. "Because if you can still have great sex with kids in the house — and own it when they find out you’re human — you’re teaching them that sex is something to enjoy, not to shame."
Stealth sex isn’t a downgrade. It’s proof you’re still alive, still hot for each other, still willing to make it work even with slammed doors and 3 AM footsteps.
And if they ever do hear?
You’ve got the words.
You’ve got the frame.
You’ve got the chance to model sex as love + pleasure + respect.
Because your desire doesn’t retire just because there are kids in the house. It gets smarter. Sneakier. Louder in the silence.
And if you read this Liberation Letter and thought - that doesn't work for me, because I’m someone who wakes the neighbours, I get you, me too. For those like us, my greatest tip is to plan a night once a month where the kids sleep at grandma’s, a friends place, or you get a hotel room. Let’s face it sometimes loud sex is just so damn good…so it’s worth the extra planning for this big event. Until then, don’t deny yourself, just keep it down.
Dear Scared but Turned On,
First, let me say this: you’re already halfway there. The fact that you’re curious, conscious, and craving exploration means your erotic power is alive and ready to rumble — it’s just tangled in a little fear. That fear, absolutely normal - many of us have it when we move from long term relationships into new frontiers and new partners.
Here’s the truth most people - even in long term relationships - don’t talk about: trying something new in the pleasure arena triggers the same physiological response as standing on a stage. It’s not about danger; it’s about visibility. Being seen in our desire in a new way can be scary, we are being vulnerable and asking a partner to join us in something new. Your nervous system doesn’t yet know the difference between “I might fail” and “I might be f*cking phenomenal.” It’s new and novel and your body is responding with an appropriate level of alertness - that's healthy.
So, here’s what to do:
Start in imagination. Before you touch him, play out the scene in your mind as if you already owned it. Picture the moment you blindfold him — not as performance, but as power. Feel how it would feel in your body to be the one guiding pleasure and sensation.
Anchor safety in your body. When your heart starts pounding, slow down, breathe low into your belly. That’s your cue to shift from fear to arousal — they live in the same neighborhood in your nervous system.
Start smaller than your fantasy. Dominance doesn’t have to begin with rope. It can start with a tone of voice, a whisper that says, “Don’t move.” The point is not to perform dominance; it’s to inhabit it.
Further, dominance isn’t always about being in control, it is about taking the lead. This nuanced difference can help those new to power dynamics wade into these dynamics by passing the lead back and forth, developing safety into the continued exploration.
Remember: he wants this. He’s already said yes. He’s turned on by your desire to explore. Your hesitation isn’t a flaw; it’s a feature and it’s foreplay.
Dominance isn’t about control — it’s about direction. It’s not about getting it “right”; it’s about being real. If you forget your script, smile, lock eyes, and let the energy lead. Erotic confidence doesn’t come from knowing every move — it comes from trusting that your turn-on is enough.
The bedroom isn’t actually a stage, it’s a lab, a place to experiment and try things. You’ve got this. Trust your turn on, and your partner. I am confident that if you do, this best sex of your life will get even better!
With heat and heart,
Kelsey