How to talk about it.....

Sex & Psychology - Let's bring the data in—because this isn't just a “you” thing.

When Release Eludes: Why Some Women Struggle with Orgasm

If you are a woman who has difficulty reaching orgasm, you are not alone – and there is nothing “wrong” with you.

It’s estimated that a significant minority of women – about 10% – have never had an orgasm, and up to 50% don’t climax with a partner (though they may solo).

One recent study found 13.3% of heterosexual women reported never having experienced orgasm​ contrasted with only 2.2% of lesbian women.

Orgasm challenges can be lifelong or situational, and they usually boil down to a mix of factors:

• Psychological

• Physiological

• Sociocultural

Let’s unpack some common barriers (and you’ll notice many are very addressable):

• Stress, Anxiety & “Spectatoring”

The #1 orgasm killer for women is getting in your own head. Performance anxiety (“Am I taking too long? Does my face look weird?”), everyday stress, and inability to relax can shut down the arousal needed for orgasm.

We live in a go-go-go world; carrying that stress into the bedroom makes it hard to let go into climax.

Many women also “spectate” themselves during sex – worrying about their appearance or whether their partner is enjoying it – which disconnects them from feeling the pleasure.

Ironically, worrying about orgasming can prevent an orgasm! Anxiety activates the sympathetic nervous system (your fight/flight mode), which is counter to the relaxed focus needed to tip over the edge.

• Insufficient Clitoral Stimulation or Foreplay

Simply put, many women are not getting the right kind or amount of stimulation that they need. PIV intercourse alone doesn’t adequately stimulate the clitoris for most women (remember the orgasm gap).

If your partner rushes foreplay or if you’re shy to guide them, you might be trying to drive to orgasm in second gear.

Not enough warm-up means not enough blood flow and arousal buildup. “Insufficient arousal and lack of time during sex” were top reasons women gave for difficulty orgasming​.

Sometimes the solution is as straightforward as spending a solid 20+ minutes on foreplay: making out, manual stimulation, oral sex – without the pressure to “get to the main event” quickly.

Additionally, certain medications (like SSRIs for depression) or hormonal changes (like postpartum or menopause) can decrease lubrication and sensitivity, effectively raising the threshold for orgasm.

If it takes way more stimulation than it used to, a check on medications or hormones might be in order – or using a good lube and more direct clitoral focus to compensate.

• Body Image & Self-Consciousness

It’s hard to climax if you’re busy thinking, “Ugh, I hate my tummy” or “do I smell normal?” Negative body image or shame about one’s genitals (so common due to societal messaging) can block pleasure.

That 2018 study noted many women who were distressed about not orgasming had poorer body image and more internalized blame​. If you’re distancing from your body during sex out of insecurity, it’s like driving with the parking brake on. Learning to see your body as sensual and deserving of pleasure – just as it is, stretch marks, jiggles and all – is transformative.

This can be helped by exercises like sensate focus (exploring each other’s bodies without goal), or even taking time to look at your genitals with a mirror and appreciate their uniqueness.

Remember, your partner is likely way less critical of your body than you are – in the heat of passion, they’re just excited to be there with you. Give yourself permission to tune into sensations rather than appearances.

• Pain or Discomfort

If sex hurts due to conditions like vaginismus, vulvodynia, endometriosis, or simply lack of lubrication, orgasm can be next to impossible.

Pain triggers tension and fear of more pain. In the reasons women gave for orgasm trouble, pain and inadequate lubrication were indeed factors (though endorsed less frequently than stress or arousal issues)​.

Addressing the root of pain – through pelvic floor therapy, using lubes or dilators, adjusting positions – is crucial.

Sometimes an adjustment as small as more lube or longer foreplay (to allow natural lubrication and relaxation) can turn painful sex into pleasurable sex.

If you have an underlying medical issue causing pain, treating it with a professional will be an important step toward orgasmic ability. Remember, any pain is your body’s way of waving a flag – don’t ignore it or “push through.” A comfortable, relaxed body is fundamental to orgasm.

• Psychological Trauma or Inhibitions

Past sexual trauma or strict cultural/religious upbringing that framed sex as dirty can deeply impact one’s ability to let go into orgasm.

Trauma can cause dissociation during sex (feeling “outside” your body) or intense guilt around pleasure. Even absent trauma, many women carry subconscious shame about being sexual (the old Madonna/whore double standard).

This can create an internal brake on arousal – a part of you might be holding back because deep down, you feel you “shouldn’t” lose control.

Working through these feelings with a therapist or a trusted partner can be game-changing. Sometimes, learning that it’s okay to put your pleasure first is a journey.

Using tools like mindfulness (to stay present in your body) and gradually exploring self-pleasure in a safe space can help rewire those associations. Be patient and gentle with yourself – arousal is a vulnerable state, and you may need to rebuild trust with your own body. But know this:

You deserve every ounce of the ecstasy that was denied to you.

Claiming your orgasm is an act of healing and liberation.

• Communication Disconnect with Partner

When a partner doesn’t know what you need – or you don’t feel comfortable telling them – reaching orgasm becomes a precarious guessing game. Many women have difficulty orgasming with a partner but not alone.

Often this is because they know how to stimulate themselves, but the partner’s approach isn’t hitting the mark, and they stay silent to spare feelings.

A staggering 55.4% of women in one survey admitted they wanted to communicate something to a partner about sex but decided not to, usually to avoid hurting his ego or due to embarrassment. And 58.8% of women have faked an orgasm at least once​, often for similar reasons – a desire to end the encounter or make him feel accomplished.

Unfortunately, silence and faking create a vicious cycle: your partner thinks everything’s fine, so the same unsatisfying patterns repeat.

Communication truly is lubrication for orgasm. Later in this letter we’ll dive into strategies for speaking up (it can be sexy and empowering, not awkward!). But suffice to say, a partner who cares about you wants to please you. If he’s in the dark, bring him into the light – kindly, non-judgmentally, but honestly. Most men are relieved to get some guidance; it takes the pressure off them to be mind-readers.

Finally, it’s worth mentioning that some people (of all genders) are what sex therapists call “pre-orgasmic” – they haven’t had an orgasm yet. Sometimes this is just due to lack of the right stimulation or partner, and sometimes it may be how someone is wired. A very small percentage of women (around 5-10%) may be anorgasmic despite trying all strategies; they can feel pleasure and arousal, but that final release remains elusive.

If that’s you, know that your sexual experience is still valid and valuable. You can have wonderful sex and intimacy without orgasm. But if you desire to achieve it, don’t give up hope – many women have their first orgasm in their 30s, 40s, even later.

It might be via a vibrator (technology can be a godsend – there’s no shame in needing more intense stimulation), or the right partner who makes you feel safe, or just giving yourself permission at long last.

The journey to orgasm can be as rewarding as the destination; each step you take in understanding your body is a victory.

Resources

Closing the Gap: Communication Strategies for More Pleasure with Your Partner

Talking openly about what we want and need in bed is astonishingly simple, yet many of us struggle with it. I’m about to drop some easy brilliance and ways to start….

As you read this, you might consider sharing it with your partner to give them the same tools. It’s always dynamite when we share the same language! It’s a sexy invitation honey.

Research shows that good sexual communication is linked to higher satisfaction and more frequent orgasms for women​. And conversely, women who continue to fake orgasms often feel embarrassed to talk explicitly about sex with their partner .

So, how can we bridge that communication gap and actually ask for our orgasms? Here are evidence-based tools and even some sample scripts to empower you:

1. Bring Up Pleasure in a Positive Moment

Don’t wait until you’re frustrated or in the heat of disappointing sex to voice your needs. Plan a casual, loving conversation at a relaxed time. You might say:

“I read something interesting about how couples can make sex even better. I’d love to try a few new things with you – are you up for a sexy experiment?” 

Approach it as an exciting team project, not a critique. Emphasize what you already love about your intimacy, then introduce a wish. For example:

“I absolutely melt when you kiss my neck – it’s so good. I was thinking, maybe next time you could kiss down all the way… I have a feeling it would drive me crazy.” 

This kind of positive framing (often called the “PIP” approach – Praise, Intention, Pleasure point) helps your partner feel appreciated, not attacked, and thus more open to ideas.

2. Be Specific and Use Encouragement:

If generic phrases like “I need more foreplay” feel awkward, try guiding with both words and responses. During the act, don’t be silent – women who ask for what they want in bed have significantly higher orgasm odds​.

You can whisper:

“Softer… yes, just like that,” or “Can you circle your fingers slower? That feels amazing.” 

When they do something right, reinforce it

“Oh, that feels incredible when you use your tongue that way” or simply moan appreciatively – positive feedback teaches them to keep doing that thing.

According to research, women who praised their partner for something they did in bed were more likely to orgasm frequently​. Everyone loves feeling skilled at pleasing their lover! So even if you’re still on your way to climax, celebrate the good moves along the journey.

3. Show and Tell (Hands-On Guidance)

Sometimes words fail us or seem too clinical. In that case, let your body do the talking. Take your partner’s hand and show them how you like to be touched:

“Here – press my hand so I can guide you.”

Many men truly appreciate this kind of gentle coaching. You can also demonstrate by touching yourself while they watch, then invite them to join. This isn’t “selfish” – it’s a hands-on workshop in pleasure, and it can be incredibly erotic to see a woman taking control. If a certain technique gets you off during masturbation, don’t keep it a secret. Incorporate it into your partnered play. For example, you might get on top during intercourse and rub your clit against their pelvis or your own fingers – let them see how you do it.

Say, “I love grinding like this; it makes everything so intense for me.” Now they know! A study noted that women who openly incorporated new sexual activities and positions had higher orgasm frequency. novelty and clear direction can work wonders.

4. Use Tools and Resources

If talking face-to-face feels daunting, consider using external resources as a conversation starter.

I am a sex and relationship coach, many of the conversations I have revolve around breaking the ice on the orgasm gap.

A session with a sex coach can help you and/or your partner get to the place you desire. If you are more DIY, you might read a sexy article or a chapter from a reputable sex book together. Watch an educational (or erotic) video that demonstrates female pleasure techniques, then discuss what looked intriguing.

You can even make it playful: each of you write down 3 things you’d like to try (e.g., “more oral sex,” “mutual massage,” “role-play this scenario”) and swap lists. This way you both put desires on the table.

Using a vibrator during partner sex is another game-changer for many women – it provides the clitoral stimulation needed for orgasm during intercourse.

If you’re worried your guy will feel replaced, frame it as a team toy

“This will be fun to play with together – I bet it’ll drive me wild and you’ll get to watch.” 

Many men become enthusiastic allies when they see a toy lighting you up (it can take pressure off them too). The data doesn’t lie: behaviours like incorporating new positions or props, and even sending flirty texts to build anticipation, correlate with higher orgasm frequency for women​.

So don’t shy away from a little creative assistance!

5. Express Your Pleasure, Not Just Instructions

Communication isn’t only about technical directions – it’s also emotional. Let your partner know how much it means to you when sex is pleasurable and connected.

For instance, during an intimate moment you might say, “I love feeling close to you like this, and when you take the time to really turn me on, it makes me feel so loved.” When he does something that feels great, verbalize your enjoyment:

“God, that makes me so hot when you do that.” 

This not only reinforces the behavior, it also transforms the encounter into a shared erotic space where he knows you’re fully present and responsive. Men often fear hurting a woman’s feelings by doing something wrong – hearing and seeing your genuine pleasure reassures them.

According to one study, expressing love during sex was associated with higher orgasm likelihood in women Emotional intimacy and physical pleasure go hand in hand. So moan, move, say his name – let him feel that you’re immersed in bliss (even if you’re still climbing toward orgasm, enjoying the ride is important). Your pleasure can be a huge turn-on for him as well; it becomes a positive feedback loop.

6. Collaborative Problem-Solving

If orgasms remain elusive, approach it as a team challenge rather than a personal failure. You might say,

“I notice I sometimes get so close to coming but then lose it. I’ve been reading and maybe we could try changing things when that happens – like slowing down instead of speeding up.”

Arousal isn’t linear. Try edging, new stimulation, or sessions focused only on your pleasure without penetration.

Keep it fun: “Let’s see if I can come twice tonight.”

Celebrate small wins, stay curious, and enjoy figuring it out together. Pleasure is a team sport.

Finally, here’s a sample script that ties many of these tips together, in case you want a template for a heart-to-heart with your guy:

Adjust to your style, but notice the elements: reassurance, taking ownership (not blaming), giving specific examples, and using positive/sexy language rather than clinical terms.

The goal is to invite him into your inner world of pleasure, to be your ally and co-adventurer.

Men who care will respond to this kind of sincere, non-accusatory invitation. If he’s a decent partner, he wants you to feel good – he may just be relieved you opened the dialogue.

DEAR KELSEY…

The under-researched “Seeing God” or “Becoming the Universe” experience is, I believe, another form or orgasm we haven’t yet zeroed in on.

I might say 90% of women have never experienced it. In my commitment to sex, soul and sovereignty I am conducting interviews with women who have.

If you are one of those women, and you would be open to sharing your story with me in confidence, I would LOVE to hear from you. My goal is to better understand this experience and hopefully, through our shared experiences, share what we know with the others, unlocking this experience for the other 90% of women who have absolutely no idea what we are talking about.

If you’d like to write to me (completely anonymous) here is a form you can fill out to write thoughts, frustrations, curiosities, or experiences, even ask a question. Ask me anything!

Open form here.